romance vs. firearms

freewriting exercise #1

I have to start freewriting now because that's what the book said I should do, it'll be helpful and i'll realize things without censoring myself and hopefully my thoughts will be able to come out clearer. i don't know why i am so obsessed with writing when it seems like my writing is so bland and i doubt i'll ever get anywhere with it but i will keep trying. it's almost useless though because i can never finish anything i write. i have the whole idea for the i've got it all thing all panned out in my head but for some reason i just wrote those first few paragraphs, which were quite poorly written and now i can't seem to finish. i used to think my problem was not being able to come up with ideas but now that has changed, i have so many ideas i don't know what to do with them all but the execution isn't there. i don't know how to write what i want to say. like in the shower i thought about a girl named lilith like the jewish bible story thing which i don't know much about. and lilith would exist in this fantasy world (i was reading CS lewis so i got inspired) and she'd be a slave who would escape and wander out into the forest, eating berries to survive... and she'd see the world and it would be full of men dominant men who take advantage of her, and in turn she learns that this can be used to take advantage of THEM too... and somehow though some kind of story, set of ideas, whatever happens.. i want it to be long. she becomes the queen of the land, or the ruler of the world or something, the first female to do so, which sounds like a glorious feminist book to write, but really it's about REAL feminism, which isn't feminism at all it's what's the world... egalitarianism. and her name is lilith because she rises to the top through NOT GOOD ways, immoral ways, preddicial ways and on the surface it seems like a victory, a triumph for the female sex but it's NOT. therefore she is lilith, the first eve, but the one that was banished (i guess?) before the real eve takes her place. hence lilith stands for a false feminism, a turning over of sexism, placing men below which is what many think feminism really is, but it's not.. so lilith is the fake eve, she's not a real woman, she is false and untrue. and only until lilith can be replaced with the real eve, the real woman, can the female species celebrate. so that's what i was thinking for a novel, like a real long vast novel )if i'm capable of writing such a thing. but i don't know if it would be good or stupid, i doubt i could be dedicated to it to write it well and make it have an impact i really doubt my abilities but i want to keep working on them because i feel like i have something there, something deep within me that i want to SHOUT out to the world. but is it worth listening to? that's the question.

and i keep thinking about universities and colleges and higher education and about how it seems so important to me now... like in some ways i want to get a masters in something and i even fantasize in getting a doctorate (but inwhat?) but i highly doubt i have the intelligence or the icommitment to go so far. i believe well i don't really know what i'm trying to say. like maybe i feel like i'll die if this student loan thing with mom doesn't work out because even though i know i have a tendency to hate school and hate studying, really in my heart i love it and cherish it, and i feel like in these summer months when i have nothing to do and nothing to study i feel empty like something is missing. i hated school so much and then it ended and i miss it so bad. so i fi can't go this semester i feel like my life will lose all it's meaning even though i know i have to create the meaning for my self. i just feel like a nobody, a lazy slob a coward in life. and in some ways school feels like the only way to save myself, like a candle in the dark, and it'll lead me out of this black hole i've been in, to a sunny place high on top of a mountainand there i'll stand and make some sort of name for myself, make a difference and play a radio with happy songs and all that.

posted by Jerry McClelland @ 5:09 PM